Better The Sheppard You Know
by Ferryman
Summary: Someone comes to Atlantis looking for revenge. McKay and Sheppard suffer. AU for Outcast and Phantoms. One line spoiler for the Storm.
1. Chapter 1

**Many thanks to Keyanna for her corrections and guidance. AU to Outcast and Phantoms.**** Spoiler for The Storm.**

She listened to Sheppard and McKay talking. She heard him laughing and the anger boiled inside her. How could he stand there, laughing knowing what he had done? How could he live with himself when he had robbed her of her brother?

She was going to show him how it felt to have the people you loved taken from you. She had originally tried to find a connection on earth, but he had no one and it hadn't surprised her to know that a man like that had no one in his life. It had taken her four years to find out where he had gone and to orchestrate acceptance to the most classified project in the government, thanks to the connections of her military family.

She had thought he would be alone here too and she would find her revenge in his death, but here she found something better. He cared about people here, and although it surprised her she decided to show him her pain, to make him understand by living it himself. No one here knew what he was really like. They all treated him like a hero. They had no idea he was a murderer. Soon he would know what it was like to live when a part of you had been ripped out, leaving you dead amongst living.

She had been assigned to repair the power conduits in a laboratory on the South Pier, punishment duties. She was unsure where the maintenance panel was and had rested her hand against the main column whilst she scanned the room. It was as she went to move away that she felt her hand press into the column, and as she cast her eyes up to see what had happened, she heard the sound. As she turned to it, she saw the wall at the back of the lab move, sliding open to reveal the laboratory behind. She could tell by the level of dust that it had never been disturbed. She ventured in and found a control console and to the side of that lay a copper bangle, She picked it up unconsciously as she scanned around the room.

Thinking she had best report this to McKay immediately, her eyes fell on the dirty glass panel door in the wall. Although it was coated in a thick layer of dust, she was able to see McKay's face looking back at her. Surprised and, thinking it must lead through to yet another room, she walked over to him, watching him walk towards her. As she neared the glass door she began to realise. As she saw the conduits behind the panel she realised she was looking at her own reflection. She reached the door and as she leaned her head to the side, she saw McKay's head lean as well, a characteristic she had never seen him do.

She pulled her hand up to touch the glass and then she saw the bangle she held in her hand. Rubbing her thumb over the intricate design, she watched curiously as electrical pulses ran across the surface from her thumb. She looked between the reflection of McKay and the bangle as she started to comprehend. She thought of her brother and there he was standing before her instead of McKay. She realised that this bangle altered her outside appearance, that with this bangle she could be anybody. She looked back at her reflection and experimented, each time another person looked back at her but each time with her own characteristics. She thought of her brother again and there he was.

She looked at the reflection of her brother and held her hand up to the face that was never out of her thoughts, to touch her brother's hand once again. "I understand Steven, I know what you want me to do" she whispered reverently, and it was her brother's voice she heard. She smiled at him, only to see him smile back. She stayed there for a long while, enjoying seeing her brother's face once again. Then she located and fixed the broken panel, she made sure it was done properly as she could not risk anybody else being sent down here, finding her secret, her killing place. She returned to the lab and made her report.

It was pure luck that she had found the device and with her natural ancient gene it had activated immediately. It was just pure luck that there had been a glass door that showed her that her reflection had changed. She didn't think it was luck: she thought Steven was with her, he was helping her to avenge his death and she thought that in this he was still with her, telling her what she was doing was righteous.

With this device she could be anyone and so the plan started to settle into her mind, and as her feelings of anger and revenge intensified so did the acceptance and logistics of the plan. She waited, with time fuelling her anger, until the time was right. McKay always worked late into the night in the labs and always on his own, so confident that he was safe. Sheppard came by most nights but tonight she had seen him retire early and so she got the copper bangle from her rooms and stood at the entrance to the south pier. She radioed McKay, hearing Sheppard's voice and feeling violated that his voice passed her lips. "McKay, come in McKay."

"What?" McKay said over the radio, clearly irritated.

"There's something in the South Pier that I need you to take a look at now. I've found a hidden laboratory and I think it may have a something to do with ZPM's. I don't want to wake anybody up until we're sure. Can you come over here now?" She smiled - she knew he wouldn't be able to resist and it was confirmed when she heard his reply.

"On my way, Colonel," McKay said, already jogging to the South Pier, no doubt with his laptop gripped under his arm, excitement clear over his heavy breathing.

She waited, the excitement climbing inside, trying to contain it but a grin that kept exploding on her face and having to struggle to push it back down again. It's a_lmost time Steven, we are so close. _She saw McKay struggle down the short corridor to her and her face broke out in a grin, which McKay answered. "Seriously, ZPM laboratory?" he asked, glee in his voice and a broad grin on his face.

She just nodded, grinning. "This way," and headed down the stairs, leading to the laboratory she had found the device in; it was perfect. He followed, babbling all the way, about ZPM's and how he would install them and the plans he had for them and he just kept going on and on. How did Sheppard stand it, the constant droning? Finally, they reached the labs. Rodney ducked in and by the time she had entered he had entered and slipped his laptop onto the nearest bench and done a 360 degree turn of the room and turned back to her with a questioning glance, "Well, where is it?" he asked impatiently, almost desperately.

She smiled as she raised the stun gun and shot him as his brow furrowed in confusion. He crumpled to the floor with a name whispered on his lips, "John?"

She opened up the rear of the laboratory and dragged McKay into the room. She had everything prepared. She removed his radio and tied his hands with the strong black cords. Using the pulleys, she heaved him up to hang from the ceiling. _Perfect, it was so perfect. _She had worked under McKay for a month now and every time he had sneered at her, barked at her, humiliated her she had kept her tongue because in her head she had seen this. _Finally, he will pay too._

She pulled up a chair and waited. It shouldn't be long.

She saw him start to come round and still she waited. She wanted him fully aware when she started, she wanted him to see Sheppard for what he was before he died, wanted him to comprehend how stupid he had been to believe Sheppard was anything other than a murderer.

He looked at her with confusion clear in his face as he tried to comprehend what had happened. She smiled at him. "You shot me! Again!" he whined. He still didn't comprehend the danger he was in.

He raised his face to his hands tied above him as he tried to fathom the reason for being tied up. He lowered his face to her - still trusting in Sheppard, he had figured this was for his own benefit. "Oh, you've got to be kidding! What's taken over me, this time?" he asked, resigned to the fact that something bad was happening to him - but he still didn't comprehend. "What am I doing down here? Wouldn't the infirmary be a better place, nice fluffy pillows?" he asked. He was starting to realise he was the only one talking.

"Sheppard?" and she saw that the silence was starting to get to him. He pulled at the ropes, but she knew they were sturdy. "Damn it Sheppard! This isn't funny, talk to me damn it!" he shouted. "What the hell is going on?"

She stood up slowly and sauntered over to him. She cocked her head to one side and studied him as if he were just some curiosity. He pulled his head back, looking at her, trying to find the answers in her face and then she watched as an idea occurred to him, watched as his eyes narrowed. "You are you, aren't you? I mean, it's me that's got the thing in them, right? You are you?" his voice started to rise as panic started to sneak in. He was starting to comprehend.

She smiled. "You don't have anything in you, McKay, and I'm me." She dropped the smile, "I think it's about time you met the real me, though - not the pretender I've been for the last four years. Time to re-educate you, time to show you what I am truly capable of."

"So I'm alright then? Not going to die?" he nodded to himself as he realised he was fine, still trying to figure out what was going on. "You're capable of what? You know, you don't have to tie me up to make me watch you do your latest party trick. You don't think this is a little overboard? I mean, I've heard of a captive audience but…"

_You don't know how wrong you are__, McKay. You will die, eventually, once you have served your purpose._

"Oh, you are going to die" she interrupted him, "and you should know that it will be by my hand. I've killed before after all, and now I will again, starting with you," she said almost blandly. She moved over to the bench and selected the knuckle-dusters, flexing her hands to see how it felt. It felt good. She turned to see McKay watching her, trying to process the unthinkable. As she walked towards him she saw realisation starting to dawn on his face as he started to comprehend what she was about to do.

"Sheppard…..John…..What are you doing? John? What did I do, tell me, let me fix it, I'm sure I can fix it," he tried to pull away from her as she advanced towards him.

"This is a joke, right? …a really bad joke, right? I don't know what's going on, John. Damn it, talk to me, Sheppard! Tell me why you're doing this," he whined, his voice getting higher as the panic started, "John?" She pulled back and hit him as hard as she could, and his face was knocked to the side. When it whipped back round, with grazes across the cheek, she saw eyes full of pain and shock.

It was not just the pain from being hit that registered in his eyes, but the pain of betrayal mixed with confusion and a refusal to believe that Sheppard had hurt him. Excitement filled her, gave her butterflies in her stomach. _At last, I've waited so long. Finally it's begun._

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He could feel his eyes brim with tears, stinging, and knew it was not all from the pain. _Why?! What did I do? _He could feel the betrayal as a pain, heavy in his stomach, and his heart clenched with it. He could feel a gasp of shock travelling through his body as he tried to comprehend, as he tried to deal with the fact that John Sheppard had hit him intentionally. That John Sheppard had hurt him so deeply.

Sheppard was smiling at him and when he looked into his eyes he saw nothing of the man he had known for four years. The John Sheppard who stood before him was a stranger to him. He still couldn't comprehend, still couldn't process what had happened.

With his thoughts blinded by shock, he watched dumbly as Sheppard walked back to the bench and slipped off the knuckle-dusters and placed them on the bench. It was then he noticed the other things that were laid out on the bench, shining in the light. It was then that he began to comprehend that John Sheppard was going to torture him, inflict pain on him, and hurt him more deeply than anyone ever had.

He had spent four years learning to trust, learning to open himself to another, learning to love Sheppard as a brother and now he was going to hurt him. More deeply than any wound, John Sheppard was going to betray him on every level.

_There has to be a reason, this isn't John. Something has to have taken __him over; he wouldn't do this to me. He's spent four years protecting me, why would he suddenly want to hurt me? Maybe he's lost it – post traumatic stress or whatever it is. _His thoughts stopped abruptly.

Suddenly all he could think about was Sheppard walking towards him, holding the knife up by his own face, twisting the knife to catch the light. He thought about the gleam in his eyes and the smile that played across his lips as he advanced slowly, nearer and nearer. He felt his heart clench even as it began to beat faster and faster, and he felt the fear start to rise.

Then he felt the knife sink into his skin.The knife cut into his arm and for a moment it was Koyla who stood in front of him, but when the initial pain and shock receded his eyes focused on the face of John Sheppard. _Oh god, it hurt so much. _Much more than when Koyla had cut him, during the storm, because this time the pain of betrayal accompanied every wound inflicted, and because of it this time the cut went deeper. The cut was twofold, and as it pierced his skin he felt it in his heart.

He tried to tell himself that this was not John Sheppard, or that if it was that he was not aware of his actions, but he couldn't stop the feelings from rising, couldn't stop the doubts from creeping in that this was John Sheppard. And he couldn't stop the panic climbing when he realised that he was going to die, down here in the depths of Atlantis at the hands of his friend.

He looked up at the blood on his arm as he started to hyperventilate, trying to regulate his breathing and trying to control his emotions as they overwhelmed him. As he saw the bright red blood trickle down his arm, he watched his vision blur as tears ran uncontrolled down his cheeks. _Damn it, it hurts so much. I can't believe this is happening. _Through his tears he tried to understand.

"Why are you doing this, John? Can't you tell me why? What happened? After everything we have gone through, four years, John, how can you do this? This isn't you, you're ill, there's something wrong with you. You're not yourself."

Through blurred eyes he saw John approach him again; he saw the blurred edge of the knife as it caught the light. He felt it as it pressed cold against his skin, he felt the initial pain as it pierced and then he felt the pain increase tenfold as it slowly sank into his skin. And all the while he begged through the tears, "Please John, please stop, you're hurting me, please, please John. Please don't hurt me anymore."

As the knife dragged through his flesh he threw his head back, pain arching through him. His torso convulsed as he tried to flinch away from the knife, from his friend. Rodney screamed. He felt his own blood trickle warmly over his skin and down his side, and he felt hot tears roll down his cheeks.

No questions, just pain. This was not an interrogation. This was pain inflicted for malice alone. All his energy was spent trying to fight against the pain and he could no longer spare a thought for why. And so it continued until eventually his mind and body could take no more and succumbed to darkness.

To Be Continued...


	2. Chapter 2

So far everything was going perfectly. She was able to move around Atlantis easily as McKay: she had studied his actions and his mannerisms over the last month and, as long as nothing major occurred over the next couple of days, no-one would be any the wiser. Also as Head Scientist she had access to redeploy the scientists working in this area, and she had merely allocated tasks in the south pier to herself.

She had known that she could not imitate McKay precisely. His quick wit and rambles were so characteristic and so hard to duplicate. She knew that she had to keep her distance from those who knew him best. He had done such a great job keeping his scientists in constant fear that they were just thankful not to be shouted at, never wondering why.

She had managed to avoid everyone who knew him well, except for Sheppard. To start with, he had taken her evasions and delays with a pinch of salt, but by the end of the day he had started to become more persistent.

"We okay, McKay?" he asked after she had made her excuses for dinner.

"What? What do you mean by that?" she asked, putting McKay's usual paranoia and attitude into it, presuming it would be McKay's choice of words.

Sheppard had just looked at her with a furrowed brow, "Same as I always mean; you okay, Rodney?" She knew that she had made an error.

"Just a little tired," she said and stormed off. She managed to get away but she had known then that she had to act fast before Sheppard grew too suspicious, too wary.

She had squirreled the enquiry from Sheppard away to use later on McKay, now knowing it meant something that only the two of them understood. It would reinforce the belief for McKay that she was Sheppard, and acting under his own steam.

McKay had tried everything to try and get through to her during last night: pleading, begging, and had even tried reminiscing to remind Sheppard of their bonds. Sheppard had really deluded this one. Even now the fool found it so hard to believe that Sheppard was capable of this.

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As he started to come round he felt the pain creep into his consciousness even before the memory came back. The pain clouded his thoughts, fought against his awareness and as he moaned against the fire in his arms and the multiple points across his body, his eyes opened to find himself in darkness. Fear gripped him immediately.

He hated that he was scared to utter a sound but he had to know,

"Shep", he gulped. "Sheppard," he whispered into the darkness, the name catching in his throat.

Straining to hear a sound in the darkness over the beating of his heart, he moved his head to peer into the darkness. Pain shot up his neck and across his shoulders, and he couldn't help the gasp of pain escape his lips. He froze instantly, listening again. Nothing moved.

He tried in vain to understand. He had come up with reasons why Sheppard would hurt him. At first, he had tried to tell himself it was some kind of training exercise - until the first cut and then he knew it was all too real. He had tried to tell himself that Sheppard was not himself, but he had seen him two hours before he met him at the South Pier. O_h god, that seemed days ago already; how long had he been here?_ What had happened in those two hours that had changed Sheppard so drastically?

He hung his head in despair, flinching at the pain the movement caused him. The memories were coming back and he allowed them in, needing to understand. He always knew that Sheppard could be a dangerous man, but it was always aimed at their enemies. It was always used to protect them, never against them.

Even then, he'd never really understood until now what Sheppard was truly capable of. He remembered those very words as Sheppard had told him he was going to kill him, and he remembered the look in his eyes throughout it all. When Sheppard had inflicted pain on their enemies his eyes had been hard, like flint, but this time he had seen the gleam in Sheppard's eyes. Sheppard had enjoyed watching the pain register on his face, and Rodney realised that he was going to die.

He remembered how he had begged, cried uncontrollably for Sheppard to stop, and he felt shamed to have broken down in front of him. He had no walls against John; he had allowed him into his very core, and with the pain being inflicted he had not been able to block him out. He wondered if there would be a rescue. He realised it was normally Sheppard he looked for, and now it was Sheppard he needed to escape from. He briefly wondered who would come for him this time.

He needed to survive and in order to do so he needed to block Sheppard out; he needed to forget the last four years as Sheppard had. He needed to hate him. Anger and hate would help him to fight, to live through until rescue came. He started to allow his doubts to take hold, started to listen to the part of him that John Sheppard had taught him to ignore.

He did not know how many hours he hung there in the dark as he mentally started to build his walls. The process alone nearly broke him, and tears broke free as he began to doubt everything. He started to doubt the friendship had ever existed. Told himself he had been a fool, just been used for his talents, that he had never been liked, never been befriended. He told himself his greatest fear: _it was all a lie, and you have always been alone, _and this time he listened.

His anger increased, built on the pain of betrayal. When the lights flickered on he closed his eyes against the sudden brightness. When he opened them again he saw the wall sliding into its resting place and looked out into the lab.

_T__he ZPM lab,_ he laughed bitterly to himself. Y_ou were such a fool,_ he admonished, always fuelling his anger.

When Sheppard walked through the doorway with a gleam in his eye and a smile on his lips, Rodney stared at him through cold ice-blue eyes with hatred on his face. He had built his walls; he just had to hope he had built them high enough.

Sheppard had brought food. He couldn't believe it. He wanted to keep him alive longer so he could inflict more pain. Part of him wanted to refuse it, never to accept anything from this man again, to defy him with every part of his soul. The remaining part, the part that wanted to survive this, accepted the food that was put into his mouth, accepted the chance to live long enough for rescue so that he could ensure Sheppard would pay.

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She had noticed a change in him as soon as she walked in. The soft pleading eyes were gone replaced by a cold hard glare that shone like ice. The face that had showed so much emotion had been stilled and now only showed anger. Her smile deepened as she realised that she had done it, she had managed to turn Rodney against him, managed to show Rodney what Sheppard was really like.

She needed to be sure, needed to make certain that when Sheppard saw McKay die before him, he would see nothing but hate in Rodney. _The blame has to be laid directly at Sheppard's feet where it belonged. _She fed him, knowing of his hypoglycaemic condition. She didn't want him to die before Sheppard saw that look in his eyes.

When she was done, she took the tray back out to the lab. When she returned, she ignored Rodney as if he was nothing, but she could feel him watching her. She walked over to the bench and selected her tools for the nights work ahead: the sticks. She walked to stand in front of Rodney and looked up at him, hanging in his ropes.

"We okay, Rodney?" she asked, and she saw him flinch slightly, only for a millisecond before the snarl replaced it. She laughed in his face at his reaction.

"I would say no," Rodney said slowly, voice heavy with anger and laced in acid, watching her the whole time.

She was actually starting to find the look disconcerting. Now that she came to think of it, even at full rant she had never seen his eyes look half as cold, half as indifferent. Never so murderous. She kept the thought from her face and gave a false smile as she walked round to Rodney's back so she did not have to stand under that glare any longer.

"Now, that's a shame," and then she started to pummel him with the sticks.

His body responded, but he didn't beg as he had done before. She could see his jaw tense, clamped shut, trying to keep in the gasps of pain, but he couldn't keep them all in. As she came round to the front of him again she noticed that, although his eyes were brimming with tears, they were tears of pain and nothing more. He did not shed a single tear of betrayal. Always, his eyes like ice.

She used the same phrase throughout, "We okay, Rodney?" and each time she saw his eyes flick shut and his body tense to stop whatever emotion it was that this elicited, but he never answered the question again. She moved through the range of tools, inflicting pain over his face and body. All the time she told him their friendship was nothing, that he was nothing. Told him how he was hated, laughed at, belittled and used. Eventually, even though he struggled against it, he passed out from the pain.

She stood back, gleeful, as she looked over her handiwork. She had not expected him to last as long as he had, but it was all to the better. She took a deep contented sigh as she looked over the cuts and bruises on his body. After today she was confident that even though he still found it hard, Rodney finally believed that Sheppard truly was capable of this. A thrill ran through her as she imagined Sheppard's face when he would look on Rodney for the first time, when he would see the hate in his eyes.

She had to move onto the next level. She thought Steven had sent Sheppard to her when he entered the labs the next morning. He ambled into the labs with his usual cocky saunter and wandered over to her. "You coming for breakfast, McKay?" he asked, trying to be casual, but she could see that he waited on tenterhooks for an answer.

"I don't have time and besides, I've already eaten, but I can meet you at dinner. Actually, I have to go down to the South Pier at 11:00 and I could do with somebody who has the gene to help. Would you meet me there? We can go to dinner afterwards."

She carried on typing while she said it, not trusting herself to look at him and be able to hide the anger that boiled inside, but she could sense him relaxing.

"Yeah, sure Rodney, I'll meet you there at 11:00. See you later, then!" and he sauntered out of the labs, more relaxed than when he had entered, but he still held a slight frown on his face as he left.

She went to the South Pier at 11:00 and found Sheppard waiting for her - _no, not me; waiting for McKay,_ she smiled to herself.

She used the same ZPM story. She knew the things McKay would say because he had said them to her two days ago, when they had followed the same path. She could let her grins of excitement show on her face and pass them off as McKay's grins of scientific excitement. She could copy the tones and the words, and to Sheppard it felt like he was walking next to the Rodney he knew again. She could see him relax the longer she droned on and on.

_Soon, Steven,__ soon he will pay. Soon he will know what it is like to have your heart ripped out. He will remember what he did to you before he dies, and when he watches McKay die he will know why he is to blame for everything. Judgement day is here._

To Be Continued...


	3. Chapter 3

**_Chapter 3_**

McKay hit him and Sheppard's head flew to the side and as he stroked the feeling back into his chin and glared at McKay. _no, not McKay_; _it still hurt, though. _

He backed away towards the back wall, talking, trying to figure out what the hell was going on.

"Who are you?" he asked with constrained anger, as worry about his Rodney started to creep up from the recesses of his mind.

"Me? I'm Rodney McKay, genius," and she grinned at Sheppard, watching him with uncontained glee.

"No, no, you're not," he stated as he backed up and found the wall behind him.

"Not many people know, but I've been hit by McKay before. And I was as surprised as anyone to find out that if McKay wants to he can knock you on your ass if you're not expecting it, unlike you. Where is he?" he said, trying to buy time. "I've known for the last two days that something was wrong."

Anger got the better of him and he shouted. "Damn it! What have you done with McKay?!"

"I'm in here! Behind the wall, help me. I'm in here," a muffled voice came from behind him.

He knew better than to turn his back on an enemy, but the shock of hearing Rodney's disembodied voice from behind a wall threw him and blanked his brain of smart or coherent thought. "Rodney?"

"Sheppard did this; you have to stop him." Rodney's voice drifted faintly through the wall, still sounding strangely muffled.

"What? No I didn't, Rodney, hang on, I'll be there soon - I just have something to deal with first." He turned to Duplicate McKay with eyes of flint, anger clear on his face.

"If you've hurt him…" and found he couldn't continue as his anger threatened to overwhelm him. He had to maintain control if he was going to get Rodney out of this madness.

Duplicate McKay barked a laugh. "Who, me? No, I never laid a finger on him. You on the other hand, tut, tut, John." She smiled smugly at him and walked over to the centre column.

"Let me show you what you did," she said slowly, obviously enjoying every minute, and she watched Sheppard closely as she slipped her hand into a slot that looked like part of the design. Sheppard stepped back from the wall as it slid open to reveal another area behind. As he turned warily from Duplicate McKay into the room his breath was taken from him.

Rodney was hanging from his arms, his feet just scraping the floor, with swollen bruises around his face and one eye nearly forced closed. Grazes and cuts ran all over his body and Sheppard didn't doubt they carried on under his clothes, the parts that were not already ripped away to show cuts and lacerations that were red raw. Dried blood mixed with fresh, bright blood all over. His eyes were cold, angered steel.

_Oh my god,_ he breathed inside, and in a split second he was ready to kill, but he couldn't unlock his eyes away from McKay's. In four years he had never seen such anger; eyes of ice blue, and filled with murderous intent, and directed at him. _Oh God Rodney, what did he do to you?_

Rodney looked at Sheppard, hatred clear on his face. He was injured and exhausted but in spite of that he noticed a difference in Sheppard. When he looked into his face, looked into his eyes, he found himself looking into the eyes of the man he knew. He saw worry fill his eyes and then he saw the hard-edged look of anger replacing it as he turned back into the ZPM lab.

Sheppard turned with fire in his eyes and violence in his mind to seek out Duplicate McKay just before the stun hit him and he crumpled heavily to the floor with one thought heavy in his head. _You will pay._

Rodney watched Sheppard fall to the floor as the stun blast hit him. Even after everything he had done to him, Rodney still felt a surge of worry. _He hurt you, he betrayed you. Push it away, feel nothing. _He saw a movement and looked up to see a slimly built, red-headed female step out from behind the column. He was still reeling from seeing the familiar look in Sheppard's face.

_He was himself again, right at the last he was my friend again. No! You can't take that risk; if he turns again he will break you. Keep your walls high. Don't let him destroy you._

He looked up to watch the woman walk over and stand over Sheppard. _She's one of my scientists - she is my rescuer? _

Then he noticed the gleam in her eyes. He recognised it instantly although he still couldn't believe it.

"Are you going to release me?" he asked, although part of him already knew she wasn't.

"No, Rodney, you have one more thing to do," she said calmly, not taking her eyes off Sheppard. _You have to die in front of Sheppard, and then you will be free. We will all be free, except Sheppard._

Then she dragged him from the main 'ZPM' Lab into the hidden back room and strung him up, the same way as Rodney.

_Three days, surely someone missed me in three days? Surely they know I've been missing. _Rodney had released his demons in order to survive and now they would not be caged so easily. Their voices had kept him alive, kept him together and now he could not stop listening to them as they whispered to him. _No one missed you; no one was even looking for you. No one's coming for you. A_gain he listened and as he did so his anger started to return.

He watched her leave. _How come you have his eyes now? Was he infected with something that's passed to into you? He's strung up the same as me and I'm still here and he seemed surprised to see me, shocked at my injuries. _He remembered the look in Sheppard's eyes. _He was worried about me. So, he doesn't remember what he did. _

Sheppard came to groggily, trying to organise his thoughts. _Rodney. _

He tried to bring his hands down from wherever they were to rub the sleepiness away from his eyes but he couldn't.

_What about Rodney? _He got a flash of Rodney's face, unrecognisable, and anger filled him, boiling inside him. He wanted to inflict as much pain as possible.

The anger sharpened his senses and he tried to step forward, opening his eyes as he did so. He barely got farther than a few inches, and he realised he was held in place, tied with his arms hanging above him, the same as Rodney. He looked over at his friend, wincing as he looked over Rodney's face, only to find Rodney staring back unusually calmly.

"Rodney, what's going on?" He asked quietly, unsure where their captor was.

"For the last three days you've been beating me up," Rodney responded, deadpan. All the time watching Sheppard as his anger and his demons continued to whisper to him.

"Me? It wasn't me, McKay. It was him: he can look like anybody," Sheppard said, shaking his head. "You think I could have done that to you?"_ Never, Rodney, how could you think that?_

Rodney felt a fleeting stab of guilt that he had ever believed that of Sheppard. "Yeah, well, he looked like you."

But the anger was still there, cold steel, flashing across his face as he raised his head. _You may not have hurt me but you did abandon me here to this. You may as well have done this yourself. _In an instant the anger was replaced with a tight smile and, full of hard sarcasm, he asked, "So how've you bin? Miss me?" He forced a grin onto his face, which gave him a manic gleam.

Sheppard was worried about his state of mind. He would have felt better if Rodney was ranting. He wondered if he was drugged and part of him hoped so because with those injuries, the pain must be excruciating without drugs. He wondered if McKay was mentally stable. "Er, yeah, fine… You?"

Rodney stared at him in disbelief. The demons inside raged. _Am I fine? Are you kidding? I was here for three days, right here in Atlantis where I'm supposed to be safe. Did you even look for me, John? _Looking into the face that nearly broke him caused his anger to rise exponentially._ I thought you had betrayed me. If it wasn't you, why didn't you look for me?_

He started to thrash in his bonds as tried to lean in towards Sheppard. His face distorted into a scowl as he stretched his face towards Sheppard, who physically recoiled from his look.

Rodney glared at Sheppard, his eyes cold, blue and hard. "Three days!" he stretched out slowly, angrily. "Three days, I've been down here! I mean, I know I'm not the most popular guy on Atlantis, but three days! What did you think, that I was playing a really good game of hide and seek?!" He demanded scathingly. _You didn't come for me, John._

"Rod-ney, you were there, I saw you every day," Sheppard stressed. H_e thought I wouldn't notice he had been gone for three days? Oh Rodney_.

"Okay, so I was starting to think you were avoiding me, so I agreed to come down here with you, or him. I came down here so I could talk to you and find out what was wrong. Guess now I know. Do you know who he is? How he looks like us? Do you have any idea what he wants?" He trailed off as a redheaded female, sauntered into the room with a smug smile.

"You mean me?" she asked sultrily, raising her eyebrows at Sheppard. _At last, now my brother can rest in peace. Oh, how I've waited for this moment – oh, how you will pay, Sheppard. _Then she noticed Rodney's eyes. Noticed that the hate was gone, and even the anger was tempered. _No, you were supposed to hate him! You will hate him again before I kill you._

Rodney had not taken his eyes from Sheppard. _So that's why I wasn't missed. That's why no one was looking for me. I want to believe you, Sheppard, I really do. I need to believe you. _He followed Sheppard's gaze to the girl.

"Oh, I should have known. You piss her off a girl and I get beaten up. You don't think maybe you should leave 'em alone once in a while?" Rodney muttered, exasperated, "If for not for my sake then for my health?"

"I don't know who she is," Sheppard said defensively. "Do you?"

"One of my scientists, damned if I can remember her name, though," Rodney said quietly, trying to remember if he had made her cry yet. Hoping he had. He was distracted by her eyes. He had noticed the familiar gleam of enjoyment in them.

He conceded that somehow this was the person who had tortured him. _You did this to me. It was you who woke my demons and made me hate myself again. Our friendship is the best thing I've had in my life and you made doubt that, made me hate him, and I want to kill you for that alone. It was you who nearly broke me. _Anger transferred from Sheppard to her. His eyes turned a cold, icy blue as he watched her march towards him.

Sheppard watched the woman walked up to Rodney and backhanded him across his bruised and swollen face. Sheppard watched him wince in pain as she said scathingly, "There's no need for you to know it. You will die before you can use it".

Sheppard's heart stopped at those words. Then he saw Rodney's face dart back to her with eyes so cold, icy blue eyes that he had seen earlier. He was mesmerised by them: he had never seen such hatred in Rodney, and the thought of what had been done to him to make him look at her like that turned his stomach.

"Shouldn't you be penning your 'I will rule the world' speech?" Rodney spat at her, his voice cold and heavy with anger. She slapped him again.

"Oh, like it's my fault you're crazy," he said again, words clipped and the anger still evident in his voice. She pulled her hand down to waist height and with all her force backhanded him again as she spat into his face.

"I am not crazy".

"Rod-ney" Sheppard said quietly, trying to warn McKay he was going too far.

"Oh, don't tell me, the padded white walls were just a décor choice, very chic, very avant garde," Rodney retorted, his voice thick with sarcasm and anger.

She pulled an iron bar from the desk on the side of the wall, its scraping noise echoed through the room. Dread shot through Sheppard as she pulled back and swept it into Rodney's ribs with an audible crack. His head was thrown back as he screamed.

"Damn it, Rodney, shut up! Please!" Sheppard pleaded. He was pleased to see fight left in Rodney after all those wounds, but this was suicide. Rodney lowered his head with a snarl, but didn't say another word. His eyes glared at her, followed her every move like an animal.

She smiled, calm settling into her, but her eyes were bright with a manic gleam. She dropped the iron bar to the floor with an chiming clutter and walked up to Sheppard. She looked him in the eyes with a grin playing on her lips.

"My name is Selena Rosenbury," she said quietly. "You probably don't know the name, do you? They think you're so good, the fantastic John Sheppard, never leaves a man behind, but that's not true. Is it, John?"

"Steven," he whispered as the memories flooded back, images of long ago that remained as fresh and painful as if it were yesterday. He could feel his emotions bubbling to the surface, too distraught to see the shock register in her eyes. She had not expected him to remember, or to care.

Rodney watched quietly. Slowly his anger was being replaced by worry for Sheppard. As someone who had known him closely for four years he could see Sheppard was close to losing control. This wasn't a technical problem; he couldn't do anything. Getting out of here was down to Sheppard, and by the looks of it he was preoccupied. Rodney needed to give him time to think.

"Selena Rosenbury," he said quietly, tentatively but coldly as his anger still held.

She turned slowly. "Yes," she answered testily at him for interruption.

Inside, part of him couldn't believe what he was doing, but with no weapons and no way to escape he used the only weapon he had left, his voice.

"Oh nothing, I just wanted to use your name before I died. You said I wouldn't and I do so like to prove people wrong. It's a habit of mine." He tried a shrug and then fought to hide the pain that shot across his shoulders.

He knew he would pay for it, but he needed to give Sheppard time to think. Besides, he was already in so much pain. He's pretty sure the iron bar had cracked a rib, and he's also pretty sure that it's punctured something. If he's right then he had internal bleeding and his hours were numbered. He may as well spend them trying to save Sheppard. He owed him so much, it was the least he could do.

_I'm sorry I thought those things of you, John; I should have known better. At least I can die knowing you never betrayed me. You have no idea how much it means to me that I wasn't alone._

She walked back over to him. "You're trying to save him? You think he deserves to live? Let me prove you wrong, McKay. Let me tell you about the man you would die for."

TBC


	4. Chapter 4

"My brother felt the same about him. He used to send us letters during his training about the great John Sheppard, his hero." She turned to glare at John, "his murderer."

Rodney looked at Sheppard, expecting to see confusion or to hear him correct her, but instead saw only resigned acceptance in his eyes before he hung his head. He knew Sheppard, didn't he?_ He was different before he came to Atlantis so maybe Shepard was too. But wasn't he nearly court-martialled for rescuing two men against orders before he came here? No, I Know him._

"Sheppard is not a murderer," Rodney said loyally.

"Then why can't he look you in the eye?" she asked. _This would be better, turn Rodney against him before she killed him in front of Sheppard._

"I don't know," Rodney whispered, not taking his eyes off Sheppard. _Talk to me, I know this isn't you. Tell me._

Sheppard looked up and locked guilt ridden eyes with the curious gaze of Rodney, noting that the ice was gone, replaced by worry. _I owe him the truth. _"He died because of me."

"But you didn't murder him. Tell me what happened, John. Tell me so I can understand," Rodney said softly. _Because she's wrong, she has to be wrong. I am changing, John, and for the better and it's because of you. Tell me she's wrong, Sheppard._

Sheppard hesitated and then he started in quiet, hushed tones. "It was my first time in the field, I went in as Captain but I wasn't ready. My team and I went in to the enemy supply depot and blew it. We were retreating when they pinpointed our location. The bombs started and we were retreating back to the first rendezvous point. There was smoke everywhere and noise was deafening. I was scared, so I just kept going. I didn't look back." He was looking at Rodney but his gaze went beyond him, into his own haunted past.

"When we got back to the first rendezvous point Steven wasn't behind me. I didn't know what happened. I had five guys with me and I had to get them back, I couldn't risk their lives if Steven was dead, I didn't know what had happened to him so I had to leave him behind," he finished quietly.

"Because you had run and never looked back," she said in soft spiteful words, wrapped in anger. "You left him behind and ran, He wasn't dead. He was captured, six months in an enemy prison. When we got him back he was a broken man. He spent six months waiting for you John, because he thought you were going to rescue him. He was dead inside, three months he lasted before he took his own life. Because of what you did, because you left my brother behind to save yourself."

"That's why you don't leave anybody behind," Rodney whispered, almost to himself, at this revelation.

Sheppard raised his head to show the tears filling his eyes, the movement knocking them loose to track down his cheeks as he looked at Rodney. "I try to make amends but I can't, I killed him. I can't save enough to make the memory of what I did easier." Then his voice fell to a whisper, "all I can do is make sure he alone haunts me."

Silence lay in the room. Selena watched, smiling at Sheppard's pain.

Rodney was quiet, what could he say to make Sheppard see? "You're not that man anymore," Rodney said finally.

Selena's face distorted in anger as she spun to him. "How can you still stand by him, after what he has done?" She slapped him again.

Rodney turned his face slowly to hers. "Because John Sheppard taught me what loyalty is," he looked at Sheppard. Watched him raise his head to look at Rodney, wanting to believe what he was saying but not able to believe in himself. Rodney wasn't good at feelings but these could be his last words. And what better way than to thank Sheppard than to tell him why he was grateful he was friends with such a man.

"John Sheppard is a good man who risks his life for everybody here, including you, Sharon," he said, glancing at her and then looking back to Sheppard.

"Selena," she said icily, the rage building inside her. _No, No. This wasn't how it was supposed to be._

"Whatever. He taught me that loyalty and friendship don't have limits. He taught me that a man could change. Taught me that I could change."

Sheppard had been watching him with tears in his eyes. "I have changed, but Steven's blood is still on my hands. There is nothing I can do to change that."

"We all have blood on our hands, John," Rodney said quietly as he began the list of his personal dead that always ran through his head, with Carson's name always at the top. He turned to Selena. "Even you."

He looked at Sheppard. He could feel himself getting weaker; he didn't know how long he had, but he could feel it ebbing away. "I know you, Sheppard - you would have saved him if you could. You had to make a choice. You left him behind, but you brought five others back with you. Remember, Sheppard, my blood is on her hands and not yours; don't add my death to your list." He coughed, as blood speckled his lips.

"Rodney?" Sheppard said quietly as dread filled him, He pulled at his ropes, trying to get nearer to him, "Rodney!"

Tears filled his eyes and pain clenched his heart as he watched Rodney's eyes start to dim, watched him start to weaken and sag in his ropes.

Rodney raised his head weakly and turned to Selena, talking to her but his words were for Sheppard as well. "You did this to me. He had no control over the things you've done to me, but he will blame himself because he is a good man who thinks he can save everyone." He looked back at Sheppard, starting to sag in his ropes. "You can't always save everyone, Sheppard. Atlantis taught me that. I couldn't have coped without you, Sheppard; you made me a better person," he whispered. "You helped me to live with the blood on my hands. Thank you, John."

"He killed my brother! And he will pay!" Selena shouted. _But first, he will watch you die, slowly. _

She turned on her heel and marched over to the bench, her whole body quivering in anger. She selected a knife and turned back towards them. Neither noticed. Their eyes locked on each other.

Rodney closed his eyes. E_yelids are so heavy, I feel so weak_. He mumbled, "War killed your brother. Sheppard was just there when it happened. You're looking for someone to blame, someone to hurt the way you hurt, but it's not Sheppard. Look at him now, those tears aren't because of the things you did, they are for your brother. John Sheppard tortures himself more than you ever could, over everyone he loses. You are wrong and your brother would not agree with what you are doing here."

Selena turned to him as fury suffused her. "That's where you're wrong, McKay! Who do you think showed me this lab, led you so easily into my trap. He even brought Sheppard to me this morning. He seeks the same revenge that I do. He wants me to rip his heart out, just like he ripped mine out."

Then she raised her knife in the air above Rodney and as Sheppard screamed "No!" there was the flash of a stun gun and then she was crumpling to the floor.

Ronon came running in. "What's going on?" he asked. "I came looking for you when you didn't turn up for dinner and saw you both strung up. What happened?"

"Cut me down! Hurry!" Sheppard said frantically, pulling at his ropes. "Hang on, Rodney, for god's sake, hang on!" Ronon produced a knife from his hair and cut him down.

Rodney gave a laugh but it broke in his throat and just caused blood to bubble at his mouth and froth over his lips. "Hang on? Are you trying to be funny, Sheppard?" he mumbled as he swung heavily in his bonds. They rushed over to him. Sheppard checked his pulse as he said desperately to Ronon, "Hurry!"

Ronon was already cutting him down. "What happened to him?"

He heard the dangerous anger in Ronon's voice. "Later, buddy. We need to get him to infirmary now," Sheppard said as he took Rodney's weight and helped lift him into Ronon's arms. Sheppard pushed them towards the door, "Go, go!".

Then he ran over to the desk on the wall and picked up his gun and radio. He holstered his gun as he clipped in his radio. "Medical emergency, lower levels of the South Pier. Dr. McKay has internal bleeding; we will meet you halfway." He paused and hit his radio again. "Security, female redhead in lower levels of the South Pier, arrest and detain."

He drew alongside Ronon. McKay was limp as Ronon cradled him. Then Rodney's eyes flickered open. "Not your fault, Sheppard, not your fault," he mumbled. Sheppard patted him gently on the shoulder. "Save your strength, McKay."

They made their way up to the ground level and met the security team. Sheppard gave them directions. "I'll be in the infirmary." He noticed a few of them couldn't take their eyes off McKay and he noticed the glint in their eyes.

"Don't hurt her - save her for me." And they all nodded.

McKay muttered, only half coherent now. "Can't save everybody, John." It took only seconds to meet, discuss and leave the security team behind but it felt like valuable minutes.

He wanted Carson. He knew Keller had saved other rescue teams but this was Rodney and he wanted to know all they had to do was get him to infirmary and he would live. Carson would have performed the miracle as always. This was the first time Sheppard had to trust a team member on the edge of life to the new doctor, and he didn't know if she could perform the miracles needed. He missed Carson.

They met the medical team and they put Rodney on the gurney. Sheppard and Ronon matched pace, one on either side, every step of the way as they raced to the infirmary. The two men never took their eyes off of Rodney's face.

TBC


	5. Chapter 5

He realised Selena had succeeded; he felt as if his heart had been ripped out.

Sheppard paced backwards and forwards through the half-lit infirmary. Tried to walk away the pain that ate away at him but there wasn't enough floor in Atlantis for that. He tried to remember to breathe. He replayed the image of Rodney's face again and again, torturing himself, watching Rodney cough blood onto his lips, watching his eyes dim. He had never giving up hope before. He had watched Rodney die in front of him before and had never given up hope, but this time Carson was not there promise it. Without Carson he found it hard to keep hope alive.

Ronon sat on one of the beds in the infirmary and watched Sheppard. He could see the hopelessness in his eyes. He had never seen Sheppard without hope, without fight in him and it unnerved him so see it now. He had faith in the Earth medical team, performing miracles every day that he now took for granted. He knew that underneath his whining exterior, Rodney McKay, was a strong fighter that would never give up; he would fight to survive. _With all that whining I always forget how strong he is underneath, until times like this._

He jumped off the bed and stood in front of Sheppard. He saw him stop in his tracks when he realised he could not go any further. He looked up at Ronon as he placed hands on his shoulders. "He will live," Ronon said to him simply, assuredly.

"Will he?" Sheppard questioned, brokenly, his eyes moist with worry and pain.

"Your doctors can do amazing things," he said, stating what he felt to be obvious. "You of all people know how strongly McKay will fight, how many times have we stood in here and waited".

"Three days he was down there," Sheppard said, and then he hung his head. "And she isn't Carson," he whispered. _He told me not to take his death on my hands. In his own way he said goodbye. Will he still fight if he thinks he's going to die?_

Ronon felt himself tense and anger flared within him as he wanted to defend Keller, but this was not the time for personal feelings. "She is the best; she wouldn't be here otherwise. She will heal him. He will be okay"

Sheppard nodded, unable to speak. He pursed his lips as they wavered, trying to keep his emotions inside. He raised a hand to pat Ronon's chest as he nodded in gratitude. Then he gave a heavy sigh and moved over to one of the beds and pulled himself onto it, then sat looking into his hands. Ronon sighed and retook his previous position to watch over Sheppard and wait for Rodney.

Teyla and Sam entered the infirmary, eyes searching each bed and showing their concern. They came towards Sheppard, both noticing the uncharacteristic lack of hope in his face. "We just got back. Is it as bad as they said?" Sam asked, looking into Sheppard's face. Sheppard nodded.

"He had been held in the South Pier for three days. He has been cut, beaten, and just before Ronon rescued us he was hit hard in the rib cage with an iron bar. They say that's where the major damage is and that it's caused internal bleeding. They are trying to stabilise him."

"How long as he been in surgery?" Sam asked.

Sheppard took a deep sigh. "Three hours and counting." He watched Sam take a sharp intake of breath as she turned towards the operating theatre. He followed her gaze.

She turned back to him. "What happened?"

"Steven Rosenburg died under my first command. His sister came here as one of McKay's scientists. It seems her plan was to," Sheppard swallowed, "to kill him in front of me, as revenge."

He looked up at Sam. "She was able to look like us. She took McKay three days ago and had him held in a hidden laboratory. She took his place and none of us were any the wiser."

"You didn't notice it wasn't Rodney?" Sam said, finding it hard to believe someone could duplicate the singular Rodney McKay so completely.

"She avoided most of us but I had my suspicions, which is why I readily agreed to meet with him this morning. We walked together to the lab and while I knew something was wrong, I couldn't put my finger on it. When we got there she showed me Rodney. The look in his eyes…" He had to stop as his jaw tensed, trying to push down the anger that boiled at the memory. "He'd suffered; she had cut him and beaten him. Then she stunned me. When I came to she explained what she was doing here. She was about to follow through when Ronon stunned her." _His eyes, such anger and hatred and directed at me._

"Stunned? Where is she now?" Sam asked.

"She's in the cells," Sheppard answered, looking up at Sam. "I haven't been to see her yet. I wanted to wait… here." _I need to know he's okay. I need to know._

"I think when she beat him, he thought it was me," Sheppard said, his voice starting to break. He closed his mouth. He was only too aware they knew he was on the edge of losing it and he hated that. _What did she do to convince him I could ever do that to him?_

They all turned as they heard the door to the operating theatre open. Sheppard was off the bed in seconds and reached Keller well ahead of the others, trying not to look at the blood on her scrubs. He stood in front of her like a lost boy - unable to ask the question verbally, he looked at her face and asked with his eyes. _Please, Keller. Please give me a miracle. _

Keller looked at Sheppard, eyes full of pity. "He is stable at the moment. It took some doing and we'll have to wait and see. He's not out of the woods yet. We will keep a close eye on him but for now there's nothing more we can do except to wait."

"I'll wait here." Sheppard said, sounding stubborn, but one look in his face could tell anybody how fragile he was right now. Keller looked at him and then nodded. "As long as the beds remain empty, you can stay." She looked round him at the rest of them. "But no one else; he needs rest."

The others stood to the rear and nodded, all watching Sheppard's back with faces full of pity. "Keep me informed," Sam said. She walked up to Sheppard. "I'll come back later in the day for an update."

Sheppard just nodded. He knew he should explain the background to Sam, knew he should tell her what he had done but he was too emotional right now. He was near breaking point and was thankful when the others left. He pulled himself up onto a bed and waited. It wasn't long before they brought Rodney out. He was pale with laboured breaths as they hooked him up to their systems.

Sheppard watched quietly and waited and in his head he talked to Rodney.

_I know you thought I had done this to you, I saw it in your eyes. I've never seen you that angry, in that much pain. Everything we've been through and I've never seen that look in your eyes before. You thought I had betrayed you, didn't you. _

_To be honest that hurts, Rodney. I don't know how anybody could convince you of that. You see, I would __never__ do that, Rodney. You and me, we're the same. Inside, we're both scared… both broken. We are both haunted by our pasts, you by your betrayals and me by my failures. I know what it takes to trust somebody, Rodney, and I would never betray that. I know, Rodney, because I trust you, trust you above all others. _

_Not just my life, Rodney; I'm learning to trust you with what's inside too. Not enough yet to say this out loud, but one day, Rodney. You said I taught you that friendship and loyalty have no bounds, but it was your friendship that taught me that, Rodney. I'm not just part of a team anymore; I'm part of a family now. I belong in a way I never have before. You're like a brother to me. _

_Hell, it's more than that, Rodney. You, Teyla, Ronon, you're part of me - to lose you would be to lose a part of me, but you most of all. I don't know why - maybe it's because you're from Earth too. Maybe it's because you were here from the start or because I feel you need protecting more than most; maybe it's because we are so much alike, you and me. _

_I don't want you to die because of me. I know you said I shouldn't add you to my list but how can I not, Rodney? If I had saved Steve then you wouldn't have had to go through the things you did. I don't think I will ever forget that look in your eyes, Rodney. I knew I had failed you when I saw that look. You were right to direct it at me. I __am__ responsible. I will never be able to make that up to you, but let me try, Rodney._

_Four years, the things we've seen, Rodney. The things we've gone through. Who'd have thought you and me saving the day eh? I don't know if I can do those things alone, Rodney. You pull miracles out of your hat like a magician pulls cards. You always have one trick left. Use it now, Rodney. I want a miracle. Fight, Rodney. Live. Please, Rodney, you have to live. I need you to live. If you don't want to be added to my list, then live you stubborn bastard._

"I don't want you to die, Rodney" Sheppard implored in a broken whisper and then he took a deep shuddering breath as tears streamed from his eyes. He struggled to overcome his emotions as they overwhelmed him. He pushed his thumb and forefinger into the corner of his eyes to try and stem the flow that would be never ending. He took deep breaths and tried not to feel the heat of the tears on his cheeks or the pain in his heart as he sat watching his best friend. He regulated his breathing to match Rodney's shallow breaths, almost as if he was breathing for him, fighting for him.

Emotions swirled inside him, drained him. Eventually he drifted into a fitful sleep. Keller had kept out of sight until she saw him fall asleep. As she drew near she watched tears track down his face, heard him murmur again and again in his sleep, in his nightmares. She considered sedating him but knew she would not get close enough to do so and that he would never forgive her. If something happened to McKay and he was not there at the end, he would never forgive her.

She moved quietly, careful not to wake him as she also kept a vigil at Rodney's side. He had saved them all so many times and now she got to repay the favour. She monitored Rodney constantly and watched Sheppard as well. In the early hours of the morning Sheppard screamed. It made Keller jump out of her skin to hear the harrowing scream in the middle of the night. Sheppard woke with a jolt. It took everything Keller had to still herself instantly, keeping her back to him to give her time to school her face. She did not acknowledge that he had woken up, giving him time to settle himself.

He was sitting up. _The infirmary. _He swung his legs off the bed, and as his body turned he saw Keller - and then saw past her to Rodney. He froze as everything came flooding back. Eyes full of pain took in his pale face, moved to watch his chest move in laboured breaths. He looked at Keller's back. "How is he?" Sheppard asked, his voice thick with emotion. His mouth and throat dry.

She kept her back to him. "He's responding well. As long as there are no complications he will be fine. It will still take time though. Don't expect his dulcet tones anytime soon. For someone who takes a week to get over a splinter, it's quite amazing really."

Sheppard took a long breath in through his nose as the corners of his mouth curled up. "Yes, yes, he is" he whispered to himself. He dropped his head with a smile on his face and then raised it, needing to see Rodney's face again. _Thank you for yet another miracle, Rodney._

TBC


	6. Chapter 6

_(Just to mention that Sheppard, Rodney and Sam's relationship takes into account For The Sake of the Children)_

Sheppard still sat and watched Rodney for a while. His bruises and abrasions looked even more vivid against his pale face and with his clothes removed he could see all the cuts and bruises. As if that were not enough, he knew that more carried on under the bandage and sheets to cover his body. They looked poisonous against the pallor of his skin. All of it made it hard for Sheppard to fully accept that he was going to be ok.

Keller came over to him.

"He won't wake anytime soon. Why don't you go and get some rest; freshen up so you will be alert when he wakes?" she suggested quietly in her soft clipped tones. "You being here now changes nothing, but you being here later might."

He nodded, seeing the truth in her words. He still hadn't moved though. Still couldn't get over the idea that he was letting Rodney down by not staying. She raised her hand to his arm and gently guided him off the bed and towards the door.

"I will notify you immediately if there is a change either way. If you don't answer, I will send someone for you, okay?"

He nodded as she handed him some tabs. "In case you need a little help getting to sleep."

He was about to leave when he remembered his earlier doubts about her. He owed her an apology for that.

"Dr Keller?" he said as he turned back into the infirmary.

She turned back to him with eyebrows slightly raised, "Yes?"

"I was worried that you wouldn't be able to save him."

"That I wasn't Carson," she interrupted.

He flinched in surprise. _Was I that obvious?_

She held her hand up to him with a tight smile. "You're not the first. I realised on my first day that Carson's shoes were too big to fill, and I know given the choice anybody here would choose him. But I'm afraid you don't have a choice. Just know that I will always do everything in my power to heal all I can. I understand that trust has to be earned. Hopefully one day you will trust me as you trusted him." She gave a tight smile.

Sheppard glanced at Rodney and then glanced back. "I'm sorry I doubted you, I don't any more. I trust you, Dr. Keller. Thank you for saving him," he said.

He nodded to her as he turned, then he pivoted back with a smile. "There is one other thing - me and Carson…we had an understanding.

Never, ever tell McKay what we go through while he sleeps. Apart from his inbuilt guilt complex there's a danger it will increase his ego to a dangerous level. I hope you will also honour the agreement." He nodded with a twinkle in his eyes and a lopsided grin as he turned and exited.

She stood and watched the empty doorway for a while, and as the surprise faded her smile grew. She moved back to Rodney and continued her care.

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Sheppard returned to his quarters. He took a shower and then laid on his bed in the dark. He would have to go and see Selena next and he wanted to be grounded for that.

He knew he wasn't going to be able to fall back to sleep and he didn't want to take the tablets in case Rodney took a turn for the worst. He worried that he wouldn't be there because they couldn't wake him, and so he left the tablets on the bedside. He'd use them to sleep after Rodney woke up.

This had to be the worst day of his life. He had been forced to relive the most guilt-ridden memory of his life and had watched his friend nearly die, after suffering three days of pain because of his mistake. He concentrated on pushing his emotions into his little box, tucked away in the back of his mind. Then he tested himself, reliving a certain memory. He still felt the pain, but outwardly he was centred, grounded. He got up, dressed and headed out towards the cells.

He could sense the guards watching him as he made his way to the cell, probably wondering if they would be asked to lie later if he went too far. Rodney was going to live; if he wasn't then Sheppard would not have trusted himself to this. As it was, he could not only do this, but he could use that fact to his advantage. The three days of pain still ate away at him; he still had trouble holding that anger at bay, but it wasn't just Rodney he had to repay. Today gave him a chance to repay Steven, to help his little sister. Maybe it would balance things out in his conscience. Maybe in this he would finally find peace. Either way, at least this time he had a chance to say sorry.

Lorne came out of the cell to meet him in the corridor. "How's McKay?" he asked, worry clear in his eyes.

Sheppard nodded. "He's stable. They're still watching him but he is making good progress." Lorne nodded in return.

"Has she said anything?" Sheppard asked.

Lorne looked a little uncomfortable. "She, erm, she was telling us why you're not her on Xmas list, sir," he finished diplomatically.

"How is she now?" he asked. Lorne hesitated.

"She was treated a little roughly, sir,but no bruises," he shrugged. "We all saw McKay and we all had trouble with that. He can be annoying, but actually hurting him – that's like kicking a puppy. The Lieutenant responsible for the rough handling is one of the many McKay has saved, but I've already reprimanded her for it."

Sheppard just nodded; he understood. It was the reason he hadn't even trusted himself to secure her before he called them, because he didn't know if he could control himself at that point. No need to explain that she was telling the truth; Lorne would hear the truth of it soon enough.

"Okay, follow me. I'm going to speak to her now and you should probably be present."

He walked into the cells. Selena looked up lazily from the floor where she sat cross-legged. As soon as she realised it was him she bolted upright. Her whole body tensed as she walked over to the bars and sneered through them at him. "Shouldn't you be organising a funeral?" she asked as a smile bloomed over her face.

He watched her. "There won't be a funeral. McKay is going to live." _Take something away._

She threw herself at the bars and was thrown back by the force field. "You're lying!" she screamed at him.

"Don't worry, you still succeeded. You hurt me," he said quietly, _then give it back._

She breathed a deep contented sigh as the smile returned to her lips and her eyes shone with glee. "So, you've come to murder me, like you did my brother," she challenged accusingly.

"No, I've come to say that I'msorry," he responded quietly, calmly.

"Sorry! You think a single word can wipe out years of heartache? That it can make up for the fact that you killed Steven? You're wrong if you think any words you can say will make amends for that, Sheppard."

"I know they can't, but they still need to be said. I'm sorry it took me so long to arrange his release, and I'm sorry I couldn't be there when he came home. My life is a military one and I have lived my life following commands. I didn't know there was another way until your brother's death. Steven taught me that there are no commands worth listening to if they cost a life, if it makes a difference. The lesson I learnt, andfear that I would make that mistake again, have saved lives since."

All the time he spoke he watched Selena back away from him. He watched shock and anger play for dominance on her face. By the time he had finished talking she had backed up to the centre of the cell. With her arms tensed to her side and her hands balled into fists she leaned the top half of her body towards him, ironically almost like a bow[Why is this ironic? as she screamed years of heartache and pain at him.

"You lie! You had nothing to do with his release. You left him behind. You abandoned him." She stood tall and looked at him with contempt. "You murdered him. If you had arranged his release then why weren't youwith the rescue team?"

"I was supposed to be, but when we heard he was to be moved I was on another mission and would not have returned in time. It was too good an opportunity to miss, so I was replaced. By the time I could arrange leave Steven had already died. I always felt if I had been there it may have made a difference, but it wasn't to be and I still have trouble living with that.

I'm sorry. I should have found you and explained why I wasn't there. I know you can never forgive me for that and I know you want someone to die for Steven, but I can't give you that. I am needed here; I have a duty to these people, but I can get you help to deal with the pain. We have the best doctors. I can find people who will help you deal with Steven's loss, ensure you don't suffer further. I'm afraid that's all I can do now." He finished sadly. He watched her.

Selena was unable to comprehend that the unknown man she had thanked as her saviour for those precious three months was the same man who stood before her now, who filled her with hatred.

She stared at him. "You think I want anything from you. You should have died yesterday. Everything I did to McKay was done to show you how much this hurts," she said as she hit a fist to her heart. Then her hand fell loosely to her side as she continued dejectedly, "and it was all for nothing, because you feel nothing."

Her sneer was angry and bitter. "McKay thought your tears were for my brother, but they were for yourself; that's all you've ever cared about. If you want to be sorry for something be sorry that you're not dead – because I am.

He worshipped you, he kept saying if you could have been there you would have but I didn't believe him. I knew how misguided he was, how he had misjudged you. I keep thinking how heard it was to convince Rodney that you were doing those things that he trusted you enough to disbelieve his own eyes. He spent the entire first night trying to reach you, trying to get you to stop. I know how thorough you are in your deceit, Sheppard, but you won't fool me like you did them. I see the real you. I see my brother's murderer and you will never fool me," she finished as she slammed her chest, her face distorted in anger.

Sheppard hung his head, shaking it from side to side in saddened response. With a deep sigh he raised his head to speak to Selena one last time. "We will ship you back to earth in the next couple of days. I hope you find peace."

Inside he was torn, anger again at the things she had done to Rodney and relief that he had not believed so easily. He had seen the wounds and to think that through all that he still tried to believe in him, it made Sheppard feel better somehow.

"Goodbye Selena." He nodded to her before he turned and left. He closed his ears to the rants that followed him from the room.

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Sheppard went to see Sam. He saw the fear flash in her eyes and the worry on her face before she could push the emotions away.

He schooled his features, hid his emotions from his eyes. He knew that pity made her feel uncomfortable, reminded her that he knew her heart. "Still no change," he said simply as he took a seat, his head down, giving her time to regain her composure. When he looked up she was looking back at him, betraying none of the emotions that must be cascading through her.

"I need to tell you about the mission that Selena's brother died on." He proceeded to tell her the mission, as he had relayed to McKay earlier.

Sam took everything in, without interruption, before she made her comment. "We'll make sure she is somewhere secure, she won't be able to hurt you or Rodney again," she said softly.

Sheppard cleared his throat. "No, you don't understand. This all happened because of what I did, because I let Steven down. Rodney shouldn't have had to go through the things he did." He bit down on his emotions and Sam took the moment to interrupt.

"It's not your fault, Colonel. You can't be held responsible for someone else's actions. You know that when you go on a mission, not all of you may come back. The things that happened to Steven are terrible, but they would have happened if you had been there or not. Some things are beyond us, Colonel. The sooner you realise that, the better."

"Maybe in time I can believe that," Sheppard responded. Not because he felt that but because he needed this conversation to move on. He did not want to waste time trying to convince Sam of the truth, that he was to blame. "Regardless, she hurt Rodney and although I have trouble with that, I do feel I owe Steven something. I want to get Selena the best help possible. Would you speak to her, would you arrange for her to get the help she needs?" He asked, looking at Sam with need in his eyes.

He watched her eyes widen in shock for the briefest of moments and then nod in agreement and he felt something inside unclench. _Thank you, Sam. Please help her._

TBC


	7. Chapter 7

Sam walked into the cells, her movements slow and collected.

Her face showed none of the emotion that knotted in her stomach. As casually as if she was walking into the mess for breakfast, she approached the cell bars.

Selena sat, cross-legged again, in the centre of the cell. She looked up at Sam with curiosity on her face but eyes still hard with anger.

"Hello, Selena," she said softly.

"Sam, come to lecture me on what a good boy Sheppard is?" Her voice was full of sarcasm as she rose warily and walked towards the bars.

Sam sighed, still not sure how to proceed. "I've come to discuss your brother's last mission."

"Last mission," she said, pursing her lips and nodding, "Oh, you mean the one where John Sheppard left him to die and then moved on with his life? Is that the mission you mean, Sam?" her voice gaining an edge as she spoke.

Sam decided not to get into a heated debate yet. Stick to the facts, act as an impartial advocate. "Yes." She watched, always assessing Selena's responses.

Selena frowned slightly, "You don't deny it?"

Sam was trying to keep this on a discussion basis. She did not want this to turn into a _he said, she said_ shouting match. She chose every word with care a she pulled the file from underneath her arm and opened it.

"I have the report here. I had it sent over from earth. It includes statements of all involved," she stated calmly as she flicked through the pages. Then she stilled her hands and looked up into Selena's face, "Including your brother's."

Selena's eyes flicked to the manila folder. Desperate need filled her eyes and her breathing became heavy. Silence hung in the room, almost tangible. Sam waited, watching.

Selena's eyes began to flick between Sam's face and the file that lay open in her hands. Sam closed the file and nodded to the guard who switched off the force field. As the blue wall of energy disappeared Sam passed the file through the bars to Selena.

"Thought you would like to see it," she smiled slightly. "I'll be back in an hour to discuss it further."

She nodded to the guard and as the energy field lifted again, she turned and exited.

Selena didn't even notice, backing up to the centre of the floor and sitting down, cross-legged, with the file in her lap. Her eyes were bright, focused intently on its contents.

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Sam walked into the infirmary, needing to check on Rodney. She was surprised not to see his team with him. She walked over to his bed, he was hooked up to all the machines and she watched his chest rising and falling in raged breaths.

_Come on Rodney, please. I don't think I can take much more of this waiting. I need to know you're okay. I need to see your eyes._

Keller came up. Sam swallowed down her emotion.

"How's he doing?" she enquired, sounding casual, still looking over his face.

Keller looked at Sam's face and then followed her gaze to look at Rodney. "He's still stable, but no improvement since last night. I'm confident though, given time."

Sam nodded, coughed to clear the emotion from her throat and then turned to Keller with a frown. "Where's his team?"

Keller smiled. "Ronon's in the gym, killing the punching bag by all accounts. Teyla is performing an Athosian prayer ceremony for him, and I chased Sheppard out of here three hours ago so I'm expecting him back any minute."

She swallowed as her face filled with sadness, "There's nothing they can do here and looking at him makes them depressed, every slight change has them jumping."

Sam nodded, returning her gaze to Rodney.

"Five minutes, Sam." Keller raised her eyebrows to stress the order. Sam smiled and nodded, and Keller left her alone.

Sam was glad that Sheppard wasn't there, because he knew the truth. She found it harder to resist the temptation to speak what was in her heart around him, harder to maintain the pretence that Rodney was just a friend. It increased the chances that she would make a mistake and reveal all.

She heard footsteps stalk into the infirmary with confidence and then scrape to a stop. She turned with a sad smile and nodded to him. "Hello Colonel."

Sheppard approached gingerly. "Hello, Colonel, how is he?"

"No change," she replied. "Still waiting," she could sense him stealing furtive glances at her. _Don't, Sheppard, please don't show me sympathy. I can't pretend when I see the pity in your eyes._

"Have you been to see Selena yet?" Sheppard asked tentatively.

_Thank you,_ she thought as she turned to him. "Yes, I've given her the file. I am going back down in an hour to discuss it further. To be honest, I don't think it will help much as this point. Four years of anger and hatred have twisted her perceptions. She wouldn't believe that you were innocent if her own brother turned up to tell her."

"Innocent," he mused. He moved to the end of the bed and looked down at Rodney. "Do you think he will forgive me?" he asked tentatively, almost a whisper.

Sam flicked her head towards him. "There is nothing to forgive, Sheppard. You didn't do this to him."

She watched him nod, knowing he didn't believe a word of it. She sighed. "He will forgive you; no doubt about it," she said.

Sheppard nodded to her and this time she saw hope in his face. She turned back to Rodney. She wanted to reach out to him, wanted to kiss him but she couldn't. Softly she said, "If you don't wake up quickly I'm making Miko head of the science department."

She heard Sheppard snort a laugh as she turned towards him.

"I've got some paperwork to finish, I'll call in later for an update and will let you know how it went with Selena." Then she walked out of the infirmary, struggling not to look back.

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Sam walked back into the cells. She saw the file on the floor in front of Selena. There were pink pages ripped into shreds and strewn about the cells, no doubt statements that did not concur with the truth according to Selena. One piece had been crumpled up and was now being flattened out by Selena with a reverence that told Sam this had to be her brother's statement.

"Hello Selena," Sam said.

This time Selena looked up with a smile blatant on her face. "Hello, Sam," she said with a happy lightness that was unnerving.

"You've read the file then?" Sam enquired softly, reflecting Selena's happy tone.

She saw Selena drop her gaze to the file with a tender expression. "Oh yes."

"Did you see the request from Colonel Sheppard for the rescue?" Sam enquired and was met with silence. She waited. "Selena?" she prompted.

Selena's jaw tensed. "Yes, I saw it," then her eyes challenged Sam. "So, what if he did arrange his release? He put him there in the first place. It doesn't excuse what he did. He probably only did it to make himself look good."

Sam's gaze drifted over the floor of the cell, over the shredded pieces of paper that littered the whole of the cell. She waved her hand over them, "And these?"

Selena looked over them with distain, "They were false, they lied. They didn't belong in here," as she returned her gaze to the folder.

_Okay_, thought Sam, _This is so not working. _"So, what was in your brother's statement that was not in those?" she asked innocently.

Selena scowled but did not look at her. Again, Selena remained silent and again she had to prompt her, "Selena?"

Selena looked up at Sam, her face set grimly. "Nothing; he was taken in by Sheppard. But I know he was just misguided. It wasn't his fault." Her eyes challenged Sam to say differently.

Sam sighed, determined to try everything she tried again. "What did they say about the retreat?"

"I know what you want me to say" Selena spat at her. "They said that they retreated with Sheppard and none of them noticed that Steven was missing till they got back to the rendezvous point. So what? What are they going to say? They won't own up to the fact they knew they left a man behind. Damn it! All it took was for one of them to look back but not one did."

Sam sighed. This was going nowhere. Selena would not listen to reason in her current state.

"I am arranging for you to return to earth custody. This is the last time I will see you and I wanted to leave you with these words, just something for you to think about." Sam took a deep, resigned breath.

"Your brother was a soldier like me. Every mission we go on, we know there is a chance we will not come back. You can't comprehend how hard the simplest things become when you're surrounded by chaos. A single glance back could kill you. You blame Sheppard because he led the group that day, but the things that happened to Steven would have occurred regardless of who was in charge that day. It is not Sheppard who is to blame."

She turned and left, ignoring the glare of hatred and anger that filled Selena's face.

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Sheppard spent the evening with McKay, talking with the other people who visited. Then he went back to his quarters. After a fitful night of sleep he showered and dressed, went for an early breakfast and then to the infirmary before he started his day.

He entered the infirmary, heading for Rodney's bed. Dr. Keller was still by his bedside. He smiled at her. "How's the patient, doc?" he asked casually, belying the nerves inside.

She turned with a smile. "We expect him to wake up sometime this morning. He is making excellent progress. I presume you're going to wait?"

Sheppard nodded and took a chair next to the bed. He greeted Ronon and Teyla when they came in and gave them both an update.

Sam came next. Sheppard was a little uncomfortable to start with because now she knew his part in it. He couldn't help wonder if she blamed him for Rodney's current state. She came over to join them and stood at the end of Rodney's bed. _Never trust yourself to get close to him, do you__ Sam?_

"I'm sorry, Sheppard. I tried, but she won't listen to reason in her current state. I've arranged for her to be taken into care when she returns to Earth; she will get the best professional help available. I think they can help her, but now she not only has to deal with her grief, but also with the things she's done here. I'm confident she will get better and we will help her deal with everything. I have asked them to keep us updated on her progress. I'm afraid there is nothing more I can do." She gave him a tight smile.

He nodded in response. "Thanks for trying, Colonel."

Dr. Keller came over again to explain Rodney's medical status to her and discuss how long he would be on the sick list. Three days minimum in the infirmary after he woke up and then light duties for two months.

Sheppard couldn't help but wonder if it would be three days if it were anyone other than Rodney. But as it was, three days would be three days of hell for all theinfirmary staff.

Teyla and Sam were due back to the same planet they had visited the day before yesterday to continue with diplomatic talks. They both asked to be told when Rodney woke up. Ronon was not the most patient man, and standing with nothing to do was punishment to him. Soon enough he told Sheppard he was going to the gym and tolet him know when Rodney woke up. Then it was just Sheppard, waiting.

Rodney woke up later that day. It didn't take him long to upset the staff, and pretty soon it was just him and Sheppard.

Rodney kept casting furtive glances at him. With his eyes down and picking absently at the blankets he said quietly, "So, you gonna be okay?"

Sheppard smiled. _You nearly died and you're asking me if I'm okay. Rodney McKay, you're one in a million. _"Yeah, I'll be fine."

Then he dropped the smile. "I'm sorry, Rodney. I'm sorry you got caught up in this and I'm sorry she made you believe that was me." Then he leaned forward. "We okay?"

He watched Rodney flinch, saw his eyes close and when he opened them again they were full of pain. _He's going to say no. I've just lost my best friend. _

Silence hung in the air. Rodney looked at Sheppard and he sighed. "We'll always be okay, Sheppard. But it will take me a little time to get used to that phrase again. You see, she kept saying that while she…" He swallowed and continued. "It was actually one of the things that helped to convince me it was you." He gave a tight smile.

Sheppard just nodded, too emotional to say anything straight away. "I'm sorry," he whispered brokenly.

Rodney's smile was tight and embarrassed. "I know now that it wasn't you. It will just take a little time is all. You have nothing to be sorry for, Sheppard," he stressed. "Not for me and not for Steven."

Sheppard just nodded. "Why don't we talk about this later," he said. "Concentrate on getting better for now, eh?" He gave a tight smile. He didn't want to argue facts with Rodney, he just wanted him to get better. He just wanted them to be okay. "Oh, damn! I gotta call Ronon, hang on. And if he asks, you only just woke up, Okay."

Rodney nodded, knowing they would never discuss this again. He watched Sheppard call Ronon on the radio. He waited until he was done. "Any news on the damage my science team has done in my absence?" he asked. Sheppard smirked and they started to banter about nothing in particular. It relaxed them both.

Over the next three days McKay worked his way through eight nurses. When he was released he was allowed back to work on a limited basis, but Sheppard organised a work detail to escort from the labs at 6pm and to stand guard over the science section for one month.

Every time he saw McKay, (which he ensured was a minimum of three times a day), he asked the same question: "We okay, McKay?" And every time he produced ablue jello dessert. It only took two days for the flinches to stop. It took a further four days for McKay to start smiling when he saw him again. Two weeks later McKay was saying, "Yes, fine; just hand it over," and looking for the treat. Sheppard finallystopped bringing the dessert after three weeks.

The first time he didn't produce a bowl of jello, Rodney told Sheppard he could feel a relapse coming on. In reply,Sheppard gave him a power bar. After another week Rodney had been reconditioned completely and just answered the question as he always had.

"We're fine. We will always be fine." Sometimes with a smirk he added, "Flyboy."


End file.
